I spotted a man at the bar — alone, tall, bald with a kind smile and a glass of whiskey in his hand. Performing felt strangely comfortable, even though the job was foreign and challenging. But in the private rooms at the club, there were no outside stimuli. I took a deep breath and approached her, brushing aside the fringe curtain separating the lap dance room from the bar. Cruise Club Church in Kerkstraat has different fetish nights from Wednesday till Sunday, underwear, naked, leather, sportswear etc. I felt such a pang of loneliness and regret that I broke down in the doorless toilet stall, my eyeliner smearing like watercolor on canvas. Within minutes, responses flooded that my symptoms resembled ASD. The possibilities of the night unrolled in front of me and I intended to savor them.
At the time, it was not something I had words to explain, so I turned the blame on myself. Are they relaying problems in their life without buying a dance first? Performing felt strangely comfortable, even though the job was foreign and challenging. There were six of us around a small table. The effects of camouflaging are toxic, they warned. I prayed no one would ask me personal questions. Within minutes, responses flooded that my symptoms resembled ASD. I can see their faces now, wide-eyed and uncomfortable, but at the time they coalesced into one indistinguishable figure, Dave Matthews playing in the background taking precedent. Whenever I struggled to understand if someone was angry or bored, I went home and berated myself for being lazy, ditzy, and dumb as I obsessively evaluated the night. The force of my rotting loneliness hit like a tidal wave as the reality of how much I struggled to navigate social settings outside settled in. Not to mention that their parties are always held at gorgeous venues. I silently counted to 10 and reminded myself to look away for a second — best not to terrify him. Why can I give so much of myself to my customers and so little to my friends? Most other cruise bars and clubs are located in or around the Warmoesstraat. Sarah got up to go to the bathroom. A few of her colleagues and friends sat around her table while we snacked on hummus and bread, and someone asked about my recent trip to Europe. I took a deep breath and resisted pretending to listen and asked: But I still had so much to learn. This is not it. I ordered my first drink of the night and took inventory of the club. She knew I was a stripper but had never been to the club. You get one free drink. I suggested the private room and he agreed. Below the message was a picture of the dinner crew, laughing with their arms wrapped around each other. Melbourne is safe and queer-friendly on the whole, with fantastic grungy areas to shop and eat scattered around the CBD.
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